Jan 1, 2012

Post #3

TITLE: Spirit Weaver
GENRE: Fantasy

LOGLINE:
When the man she loves unexpectedly disappears, Lora abandons her high post in the army and sets off alone into enemy territory to search for him. This choice turns her king against her and inspires an oppressed people who become convinced she is destined to save them from tyranny. Captive to a prophecy she doesn’t believe, she must accept leadership or risk the life of the man she gambled everything to save.

First 250 words:
Lora thrust her ski poles into the knee-deep snow, raising a mittened hand to shade her face from the glare of the sun. She stared past the wolverine ruff of her parka hood, down the slopes to the evergreen forests rolling out like a legion of the king’s Honor Guard.

Now that she was here, the fear turned her gut into clenching coils—like a snake consuming itself. The snake twisted at the thought of what she might find in the valley below, twisting tighter at what she almost certainly would not find.

Yet she had to know what had become of Gaern. He was the only man—the only person, even—to have somehow found a way through her inner-most defenses.

She searched for the smoke-haze of Eloedir rising up through the crowns of the distant conifers, though she knew all signs of her village would be hidden beyond the valley’s bend. Her own frozen breath was the only sign of life now, drifting back past the unstrung shaft of her wooden bow protruding above her right shoulder. Over the other shoulder gleamed the mottled bronze hilt of a curved saber engraved with the swan of the king.

Lora adjusted her pack, stamping her feet in their bindings to warm her toes. She pushed forward down the slope, finally letting her eyes settle on the place below where five years ago her father and brother had been slain.

--M.A.

7 comments:

Wendy said...

The logline is a bit long. Try this:

To save the man she loves, an army officer abandons her post, becomes an enemy of the state, and inspires an oppressed people who believe she's come to fulfill a prophecy and deliver them from tyranny.

Melodie Wright said...

I like Wendy's logline suggestion.

For your 250 words - I love the way you've woven description in w/ action. One technical edit - in your 'the snake twisted' sentence, it should read 'twisted tighter at the thought...'
My only editorial suggestion is the paragraph re: Gaern. The second sentence is a tell. IMHO, think of a way to suggest what he means to her w/o telling us. We'll figure it out when you give us the clues and it'll have more impact - as it should, since her love is driving the story.
Good luck - you have a strong start here.

Wendy said...

I agree with Melodie. The only problem I had was with the Gaern paragraph.

John Williams said...

You could have been a contender...

Logline is good, but as previously indicated could be tightened up a bit more. I don't agree entirely with Wendy. I actually like the last sentence in your logline. But I see the value Wendy's recommendation.

I also recommend that you replace "the unstrung shaft of her wooden bow" with "the unstrung, wooden bow". The word "shaft" modifies bow, and being a shaft is implied by being unstrung. Anyone who reads in this genre will know what you mean without the extra words.

Remove the second sentence of the third paragraph (the Gaern paragraph). Move the remaining sentence in to the 2nd paragraph. Don't tell us what she feels, the fact that she's in the snow armed and dangerous tells us he means something to her. Let the reader breath life in to that and the reader will thank you for the opportunity.

Great start here. Good luck.

tarak said...

I really enjoyed this, both the logline and the first 250. I do agree that the logline could be a bit shorter, but it does a great job of outlining the conflict and the stakes, for everyone as well as the MC. My only comment on the first 250 is I believe you can get rid of the paragraph about Gaern and not lose anything.

Nice job and good luck!

Bron said...

I agree your logline is too long and that Wendy's suggestions are top notch.

I was also going to suggest you take out the paragraph about Gaern, as it is telling and I like the idea of having some mystery as to why Lora is setting off into the snow.

I should say I've read this one before and I think this is much stronger now that you've removed the former first paragraph. I think I would have put this through to the auction, so I'm guessing you were one of the ones who missed out because it didn't match with Jodi and Authoress's taste. I really like it though, and I hope it finds a home.

Turbo said...

I think that all of the statements in your logline are useful to sell the idea, but if they can be condensed into two sentences instead of three, you might be better off for some cases.

Ditto folks on dropping the Gaern paragraph. It's too on-the-nose and isn't connected to the rest of the page. We don't have to know who or what she's searching for right away, only that she is searching, and what the search is like. Leaving some mysteries at the start is a great way to string along a reader, as long as you dole out information at a reasonable rate.