Nov 11, 2012

How to support a writer in submission hell

1. Don't ask me if the book has sold. Trust me, if it had you would know. Right away. Probably even before my husband.

2. DO send me chocolate to ease my angst. Or better yet, a chocolate colored kitten that looks like this:

3. Don't call me if you have a 212 area code. I will freak out thinking it's my agent and then be depressed all day when it's not.

4. DO send me photos of funny cats. I could use the distraction.

5. Don't google my name. (This is a tough one, I know.) My fevered brain will assume the googler is an interested editor and make up all kinds of pointless/impossible fantasies involving cups of tea, immediate bonding and walks in Central Park.

6. DO send me free books or ARCs. If I'm not laughing at cats, I'd love to lose myself in someone else's (successful) story.

7. Don't send me links to other authors out on sub who have sold in two minutes, or taken two years....or never sold...*bites nails*

8.  DO host a contest that features either a) funny cats or b) free books/ARCs. I will enter it. Heck, I may even co-host it! And do all the work required!

9. Don't ask me to beta and then be surprised when all you get back is gobbeldy-gook because my fevered brain is, well, fevered. Give me a few weeks to get over myself. Then beta-ing will be a good idea.

10. DO say a prayer, commit to a 24-hour fast or send good thoughts up to the God of Literary Devices on my behalf. I promise to do the same for you. Lord really knows, I can use whatever help He's willing to provide.


Lisa Regan said...

I could not have written this post better! I have so been there!!!!! I am familiar with all of this. UGH. UGH. UGH. What I can say is that your work is positively brilliant. I'm actually surprised no one has snatched it up yet but that doesn't mean anything. The right publisher will be bending over backwards to sign you at the right time. I have faith in you and your work. But this part really does suck. Sending subliminal messages to the giant publishers of NYC . . . and virtual hugs of encouragement to you!

Angelina C. Hansen said...

Great post! I spent a year in submission hell and got to the point where I forgot I was still boiling in it. Chocolate and kittens definitely help. I drafted more stories during that time--it was my most productive. Best wishes!

Suzi said...

This is terrific. And hopefully I will get to that point and can write the same post.

Except, I'm gonna change the cats part to dogs. :)

Kimberly Gabriel said...

Sending many thoughts and prayers to the God of Literary Devices right now....

This post cracked me up - perfectly written.

Nancy Thompson said...

Having gone through this with Lisa Regan, I understand where you're coming from. So all I can say is that you're in my thoughts and prayers. Best of luck!!

Carrie Butler said...

You know what you need? The Friskies! :)

Elizabeth Seckman said...

LOL...prayers happily sent up for you. And I had some chocolate here somewhere...oops, well, imagine I ate it on your behalf!

Amy L. Sonnichsen said...

Cheering for you! Not checking Google, not getting a 212-number just to freak you out, not mentioning six-figure deals or auctions, and not asking for a critique right now (but maybe in six months, please?). Has this time felt more stressful than last time you went on sub? Curious.... :D Enjoy the ride!! This is an awesome place to be and I'm so excited for you!!

julierose said...

This was the best post yet! Loved the sub teacher film (I'm a sub teacher, too) and the ten rules were absolutely hilarious. Thanks for the laugh-ou-louds.