Sep 22, 2011

Second campaign challenge

From Rachael Harrie's Campaign - The challenge: to write no more than 200 words including the following vocab:

imago— n an idealized mental image of another person or the self
miasma— n an influence or atmosphere that tends to deplete or corrupt
lacuna — n a gap or missing part
oscitate— v to gape; to yawn
synchronicity — n an apparently meaningful coincidence in time of two or more similar or identical events that are causally unrelated

Imago Fail

It was a perfect synchronicity that her train arrived the same time as mine. I disembarked with the crowd, coal dust and smoke settling in my coat, adding to the miasma of confusion in the station. I held her imago in my mind - wide brown eyes, curling dark hair, lips that sat like strawberries in the oval dish of her face.
Then I saw her through the train car window. She was like a Persian kitten in the midst of a baying hoard, so helpless I ached to protect her. Her head drooped, her flawless lips stretched wide in delightful ocitation as the man beside her shifted his weight.
Those arching brows rushed together, her fruity lips twisted. With both hands, she pushed the lout off her foot, snarling a curse that carried clearly to my ears.
Had she called him imbecile, idiot or beast, I could’ve overlooked the lacuna of her decorum. But the epithet was too common, too familiar in her mouth to please me. She was no kitten but a full grown cat with unsheathed claws. I turned and walked away.

35 comments:

David Powers King said...

"coal dust and smoke settling in my coat, adding to the miasma of confusion in the station."

Nice!

"sat like strawberries in the oval dish of her face."

Whoa! Your imagery is ... sublime! What an amazing piece of fiction. First glances aren't always what they seem, right? Right!

Great job, Melodie! :)

Nancy Thompson said...

Pretty damn good! Of course, if an agent saw all those mandated words in the opening page of a manuscript, he or she would likely toss it.

Sonia Lal said...

He doesn't like her vocabulary, huh? His loss. LOL Good use of the words.

Jen said...

Fantastic imagery! Really evocative stuff.
Mine is #3.

bridgetstraub.com said...

Imbecile is such a great word. Mine is #29

Cheryl said...

Lovely imagery.

K.T. Hanna said...

Gorgeous imagery. So easy to visualize this piece. Loved this one. I kind of like her and dislike him - is that bad?

Maeve Frazier said...

Great job with the imagery. Very descriptive.

Mary said...

L really loved this. Felt like I was there in the moment. Great job!

Sarah Pearson said...

I loved this. The ending made me laugh. How often reality fails to match our imagination!

Nadja Notariani said...

This is fantastic! I love your description, your flow, and your meaty sentences. After using strawberries - you continued to tie in the fruity theme throughout the piece, creating the great flow I mention above. This is one of my favorites! ~ Nadja

Lisa L. Regan said...

Awesome! My favorite line was: lips that sat like strawberries in the oval dish of her face.

Melodie said...

Thanks for your too kind comments.

I'll stop by everyone's entries this weekend!

F.E. Sewell said...

How funny! Your piece is multilayered with nice twists. Its interesting to watch a character fall in love and so quickly lose interest.

Lady Gwen said...

Wow, I could see the let-down right away. She really burst his bubble! Nice job! I'm #34:)

Carrie Butler said...

Fantastic imagery, Melodie! You did a great job with it. :)

Cortney said...

Great writing! I love the strawberry lips in her dish of a face. Excellent.

Steph Schmidt said...

The imagery with the train station and the strawberries was so delightful.

Jennifer Groepl said...

Vivid descriptions. Enjoyed the ride. :)

LadyJai said...

Loved the imigry! Nicely done

LadyJai said...

imagery...dang fingers

Joanna said...

Some lovely metaphors! and strong character development for so few words. Lovely!

Medeia Sharif said...

I liked the twist at the end, about how he changes his mind about her after seeing her in a moment of anger. Job well done.

Jamie McHenry said...

Wow. I enjoyed your descriptions in this piece. Well done.

Christine Rains said...

Wonderful imagery. It flowed well. Good job!

Melodie said...

Thanks all for your comments.
And now to return the favor... :)

Susie Medwell said...

Very evocative, loved it.

Zan Marie said...

That was wonderful!

Sandwiched Writer said...

Love the strawberries sitting in the dish of her face! And how cool that you live in Alaska!

Catherine Stine said...

Hey, I love your lyrical use of words. You create a very interesting mood. I'm over from the campaign, #142 in the lineup, and I'm following you now. I write YA and middle grade fiction. Cheers!

raelynbarclay said...

Amazing imagery. Wonderful flow. Great job with the challenge!

Kurt Hartwig said...

Phh. "common." more power to her.

Great scene.

Elizabeth Varadan aka Mrs. Seraphina said...

Great imagery. I could feel the coal dust; feel her helplessness; then feel the narrator's disillusionment.

My entry is 128 if you want to have a look.

the wild magnolia said...

Well written. A different twist and I enjoyed the read.

Great job.

#188

Karen deBlieck said...

Original story that reads really smoothly. Great job!

#189