tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6661314111464958638.post5699896404065725734..comments2023-10-25T06:28:20.897-07:00Comments on Forever Rewrighting: Pitch contest with Tricia Lawrence of EMLAMelodie Wrighthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04599091593083976703noreply@blogger.comBlogger272125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6661314111464958638.post-40266391303288448162012-02-17T06:56:45.040-08:002012-02-17T06:56:45.040-08:00This sounds great! Wish you all the best!This sounds great! Wish you all the best!Sarahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14863417381215696609noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6661314111464958638.post-16809861352014654532012-02-16T09:54:30.338-08:002012-02-16T09:54:30.338-08:00Oh I love this concept! The voice in here is amazi...Oh I love this concept! The voice in here is amazing! Makes me want to read more :) Nicely done and good luck!Hope Robersonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16877380868985454894noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6661314111464958638.post-61170437790696112112012-02-16T09:50:20.439-08:002012-02-16T09:50:20.439-08:00Smooth query letter Kelley, you are so good at wri...Smooth query letter Kelley, you are so good at writing these! And I know I've said it before, but your descriptions are awesome, feels like we're sitting right there with her!Hope Robersonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16877380868985454894noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6661314111464958638.post-29104479590661086782012-02-16T09:48:59.999-08:002012-02-16T09:48:59.999-08:00Her abilities to help others secretly and having a...Her abilities to help others secretly and having an angel to help her, perfect! Can't wait to read more :)Hope Robersonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16877380868985454894noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6661314111464958638.post-52611163622301546502012-02-16T09:45:14.597-08:002012-02-16T09:45:14.597-08:00Awesome concept! Great query and I loved your firs...Awesome concept! Great query and I loved your first 250 words! Have you read Torn by Erica O'Rourke? It could be a good comparison title for your query letter :)Hope Robersonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16877380868985454894noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6661314111464958638.post-8089084920804240152012-02-16T09:40:32.134-08:002012-02-16T09:40:32.134-08:00Your query sets up your story perfectly and shows ...Your query sets up your story perfectly and shows the stakes well. I love the revisions you've done on the first 250, your story is awesome!Hope Robersonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16877380868985454894noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6661314111464958638.post-57236115853752627162012-02-16T09:32:48.796-08:002012-02-16T09:32:48.796-08:00Very smooth query, great story concept too! Your w...Very smooth query, great story concept too! Your writing is beautiful, I felt like I was standing next to her! Nicely done :)Hope Robersonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16877380868985454894noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6661314111464958638.post-76154886629821117662012-02-16T09:28:47.275-08:002012-02-16T09:28:47.275-08:00Great query, captivating first 250, awesome job Ca...Great query, captivating first 250, awesome job Cassie! This is an amazing story!!Hope Robersonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16877380868985454894noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6661314111464958638.post-12139120392456253972012-02-16T06:37:43.460-08:002012-02-16T06:37:43.460-08:00Hey just wanted to let you know that I tagged you ...Hey just wanted to let you know that I tagged you for 11 Questions on my blog! Good luck with the Pitch Contest all.Jess Storkhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07001356586353583612noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6661314111464958638.post-28131476941676899702012-02-15T21:45:20.264-08:002012-02-15T21:45:20.264-08:00I love your query and you really hit 250 words at ...I love your query and you really hit 250 words at a great spot! I'd love to read more. Good luck!Jenny Kaczorowskihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00289053983485597342noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6661314111464958638.post-18420592844742509752012-02-15T21:32:13.311-08:002012-02-15T21:32:13.311-08:00I've been giving a lot of thought to this one....I've been giving a lot of thought to this one. I'd be curious to hear what other people have to say, but for me, the query doesn't work while the opening page does. <br /><br />I think it has to do with the setting in Africa and the elephant trail. Never been to Africa, don't know much about elephants, so it fascinates me. And following Danika along the trail, you want to find out where she ends up. <br /><br />The query doesn't mention Africa and perhaps that's not the main setting of the story, but I feel as if it's too scattered and has too many elements. Tighten the focus of the query and I think it'll be a lot better.<br /><br />One other thing, there appears to be a typo in the third paragraph of the query, as well as a typo in first sentence of the opening page. You write, "Danika Kaller" instead of "Danika Keller." A typo isn't a big deal, but if there's one in the query and one in the sample page, I worry that there will be a lot more going forward.<br /><br />Good luck! I know I have a lot to say, but it's because I really liked your opening page and I want you to do well.Melissahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11886151771194369513noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6661314111464958638.post-46520123867143577472012-02-15T21:27:46.465-08:002012-02-15T21:27:46.465-08:00I've been giving a lot of thought to this one....I've been giving a lot of thought to this one. I'd be curious to hear what other people have to say, but for me, the query doesn't work while the opening page does. <br /><br />I think it has to do with the setting in Africa and the elephant trail. Never been to Africa, don't know much about elephants, so it fascinates me. And following Danika along the trail, you want to find out where she ends up. <br /><br />The query doesn't mention Africa and perhaps that's not the main setting of the story, but I feel as if it's too scattered and has too many elements. Tighten the focus of the query and I think it'll be a lot better.<br /><br />One other thing, there appears to be a typo in the third paragraph of the query, as well as a typo in first sentence of the opening page. You write, "Danika Kaller" instead of "Danika Keller." A typo isn't a big deal, but if there's one in the query and one in the sample page, I worry that there will be a lot more going forward.<br /><br />Good luck! I know I have a lot to say, but it's because I really liked your opening page and I want you to do well.Melissahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11886151771194369513noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6661314111464958638.post-2123595845233804732012-02-15T18:55:39.648-08:002012-02-15T18:55:39.648-08:00Shoot, all my comments seem to have disappeared! I...Shoot, all my comments seem to have disappeared! I did leave you one earlier today or yesterday. Starting over. . .<br /><br />Most kids "read up", so I can see the problem of having 2 protags so far apart in age. I do like the beginning and the adventure part of the query - but the short length makes me think 8+ years (which makes me wonder if it's okay contents - sorry!). Good luck!<br />ericaerica and christyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13074820593371226159noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6661314111464958638.post-52068710539245017822012-02-15T18:45:36.514-08:002012-02-15T18:45:36.514-08:00I loved your opening! Fake it? Why does she have t...I loved your opening! Fake it? Why does she have to fake it? I'm intrigued. <br /><br />I happen to disagree with the comment above about "telling." I love that you give us a taste of the character and the feelings she's grappling with before you throw us into the scene. You have to ground us somewhere, after all!Sharonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17311797688566799767noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6661314111464958638.post-73284979090869946542012-02-15T02:25:24.286-08:002012-02-15T02:25:24.286-08:00I think the voice is your strongest point here! Go...I think the voice is your strongest point here! Good job!Sarahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14863417381215696609noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6661314111464958638.post-29364002904307602732012-02-14T16:04:12.752-08:002012-02-14T16:04:12.752-08:00Ah! I just took a trip to Ireland!! I would totall...Ah! I just took a trip to Ireland!! I would totally be all over this story. So cool!Kelley Lynnhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06373650788799372118noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6661314111464958638.post-9052434490341346022012-02-14T16:02:54.678-08:002012-02-14T16:02:54.678-08:00Ooo Boy Contemp YA. Very, very cool :)Ooo Boy Contemp YA. Very, very cool :)Kelley Lynnhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06373650788799372118noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6661314111464958638.post-47576407268462410442012-02-14T15:59:56.534-08:002012-02-14T15:59:56.534-08:00Ooo. Each time I read this I love it more. And mor...Ooo. Each time I read this I love it more. And more. And more :) Good luck Jenny!Kelley Lynnhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06373650788799372118noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6661314111464958638.post-22889838005022142712012-02-14T15:53:50.384-08:002012-02-14T15:53:50.384-08:00Gosh, this is AWESOME. I'm gonna watch though,...Gosh, this is AWESOME. I'm gonna watch though, even though I feel like I'm there. I'm totally freaked out...yet want to know what happens. Like I'm peering through the cracks between my fingers covering my eyes :)Kelley Lynnhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06373650788799372118noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6661314111464958638.post-34271016205023151432012-02-14T15:50:39.350-08:002012-02-14T15:50:39.350-08:00I love the idea of gargoyles (I've always been...I love the idea of gargoyles (I've always been a fan) and I like that this is from a male perspective. Your writing is very clean and I think you'll go far with this. Good luck!Jenny Kaczorowskihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00289053983485597342noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6661314111464958638.post-24671255386054403242012-02-14T15:00:59.254-08:002012-02-14T15:00:59.254-08:00I love this query & I love your first 250. I d...I love this query & I love your first 250. I don't read a lot of MG, but this makes me want to! I'm certain you'll go far with this and with all your writing. Good luck!Jenny Kaczorowskihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00289053983485597342noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6661314111464958638.post-24250889990218709962012-02-14T13:36:26.272-08:002012-02-14T13:36:26.272-08:00I got all of the Spanish sentences except I wasn&#...I got all of the Spanish sentences except I wasn't sure if "a chola" was a Spanish word or a misprint! (also, you have a typo in the second para of the first page - says "every lie he make up" - I'd just drop the make/made up part since that's what lie means!) Good luck!<br />ericaerica and christyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13074820593371226159noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6661314111464958638.post-22440957193082032062012-02-14T13:25:25.220-08:002012-02-14T13:25:25.220-08:00To piggy-back what Krista said, I couldn't fig...To piggy-back what Krista said, I couldn't figure out why a forest ranger would move out of Montana into a job that leaves his family homeless (and one he could do in Montana!). I'd either clarify or leave that part out. Good luck!<br />ericaerica and christyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13074820593371226159noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6661314111464958638.post-55739306246446847822012-02-14T13:22:17.199-08:002012-02-14T13:22:17.199-08:00Really nice first 250. It reads smoothly and pulle...Really nice first 250. It reads smoothly and pulled me right into the story. Good luck!ValerieFMhttp://www.valerie-cole.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6661314111464958638.post-46181250363776266272012-02-14T13:19:43.802-08:002012-02-14T13:19:43.802-08:00I love this premise! A nice twist on an old taleI love this premise! A nice twist on an old taleValerieFMhttp://www.valerie-cole.comnoreply@blogger.com